Period.

I finally got my period... I had been waiting on pins and needles. I use a period tracker and I HATED still seeing 100+ days late. We also made the decision for me to go back on birth control for the time being. I'm not going to lie, I really don't want to but I know it's the best solution. My husband has a lot of goals he wants to achieve and I know in my heart it is best to wait right now and let him get started in college classes and hopefully to even visit Niger next summer.

But still my heart breaks a little each time someone announces a pregnancy, announces they're having a boy ... hell, sometimes when I see a beautiful pregnant person tears spring to my eyes. A raging jealousy bubbles to the surface and I can't control it. I think it's harder for me because I don't know when we will try again. If I knew, okay, we'll start in April or something but I have no prediction and I tend to stew on the things I want to do. It's not one of my most redeeming qualities.

The other reality I've been facing is that one day when I do get pregnant again... I fear I will be too nervous to really enjoy it or to relax. I am a very laid back person and to not be at ease is hard for me. I was invited to join a support group for bereaved families and while it helps to read and share... it also makes me more fearful sometimes. I'm limiting myself to checking the page to one a week and I need to get better about just offering support and not turning to my story. There's a time and a place and I don't want to take away from their story by throwing mine at them when all they really need is a few word of encouragement. I'll leave my story to these pages.

Well, taking my cranky achy self to bed. But, glad to be back on cycle again.