It has been much too long since I have written. I’ve started many different posts in my head, all to lose my train of thought or to not really feel like finishing the thoughts that started. I try to keep my stresses off of Facebook because I don’t want to complain about pregnancy. I love being pregnant with all its idiosyncrasies but there are uncomfortable realities. As a mother who has lost a baby too soon, I know how hurtful it is to hear women having healthy pregnancies complain. It feels like a slap in the face no matter how much I know that it is not personal or meant to be insensitive.
This pregnancy has been a highly emotional experience for me. I don’t know if the extra emotion is due to having lost Alhassan or if my hormones are just raging more than they did with my other two pregnancies. I am certain that losing my regular routine has played a part into feeling so tired and weepy.
Every day I was so in control of my eating and my body. I would go to hip hop every other if not every day. At the beginning of my pregnancy I was nervous to do so much activity since we really had no definitive answers as to why my body couldn’t support my baby boy last year. I didn’t want to take any chances. But, after my cerclage I felt more comfortable and with my doctor’s blessing I went back to hip hop, albeit with much less impact than previously.
But now my fatigue gets the best of me. I don’t sleep well at night due to a case of pregnancy induced carpal tunnel. My (mostly) right arm will go numb if I’m not laying on my back, propped up … which is a horrible position for a tummy-sleeper. I even got used to sleeping on my side early on this pregnancy but that makes my arm go numb so easily. So, a cycle starts … go to sleep propped up like in a chair, migrate to my side, wake up with horrible pain and numbness, walk around until the feeling comes back (luckily this usually coincides with a potty break) and then get back into bed and repeat.
I went for weeks on the verge of tears… it felt like anything happy, sad, romantic, depression, or even inspirational could make me bust out crying. It was hard at work when I’d just tear up and have to be the first person to greet our patients as they came in. I decided that I would take an hour and leave early on Wednesdays to rest extra and just have down time.
Before I did that I was feeling so insecure and fragile but now taking that extra time for myself and for getting back to hip hop I’m starting to feel strong again. I never imagined (especially considering how overweight I was during Henna’s pregnancy) that I’d be that mom snapping belly shots and wearing formfitting tops. But, I have embraced my bump and I feel so comfortable.
My husband has been going through his own form of nesting and he’s starting to make our house nicer and nicer. He’s opening up storage space and helping me declutter. He even fixed our master bathroom which we haven’t been able to use in months because the shower and toilet when in use would spill water into our basement. We were quoted over $3000 to fix it but he managed to fix it for under $50! It’s the little things these days that I am pushing myself to focus on. His culture is so different when it comes to how emotion and appreciation are shown that sometimes, in my heightened sensitivity I start to feel as if I am not adequate. But, I realize that him being here, helping improve our “nest” is all part of how much he cares.
It’s still a daily effort to not rely on others in order to feel good about myself. I have to build myself up. I turn my concerns upwards and push my stress downward.
P.S. … Henna was right … we’re having a girl!