Friday, November 15, 2013

Moving Along

I never liked the saying that someone was "moving on" ... it seems so finite and maybe, in some life situations one must move on. But, I consider myself as moving along... I am continuing the path of my life but I will never be moved on or "over" my son. Things are getting easier for me. It's easy for me to talk about what happened and there aren't as many triggers for my tears as there were the first week.

This past week I went to Las Vegas with my dad for a dental convention. On the plane to Vegas something came over me and I just needed to release. I turned on my playlist of songs that reflect my feelings and just started crying. I was as silent as possible and I wonder if the two ladies flanking me were aware of my tears. I almost wished they would have asked me how I was doing. I think it's easier to talk about it than to just think about it to myself. A few minutes later, I collected myself and was back to feeling content. It's still strange these waves of sadness.

I talked to my friend, Ginger and we talked for over an hour about all different things. It's so helpful to have a good community of people to turn to. This helps me keep busy and push forward while still acknowledging and recognizing my son's presence.

While I was in Vegas the chaplain of the hospital called me to let me know his cremains and photos were ready to pick up. On Monday, I picked up these last few physical memories. The pictures were beautiful. I really want to post one but out of respect for my husband and his beliefs, they are remaining off the internet. He was so tiny and looked just like my husband. But, so does our daughter. It's only now two years later that I'm finally starting to see a little of myself peeking out... still mostly in her personality.

I had my first weigh in with Jenny Craig before heading off to Vegas. I lost 8.4 pounds ... I then promptly gained 3.4 while in Vegas. It was worth it. We went to two of Gordon Ramsay's restaurants and I had a few drinks... a few more than planned on. But, two days into my week I've already dropped the majority of those gained pounds. I'm moving along with quite a few journeys these days...

Tuesday, November 5, 2013


Night time is the hardest time for me right now. All day long I stay busy at work and sticking to my wellness plan with Jenny Craig. Henna usually heads to bed around 8 and Moctar is already off to his second job by that time. That's when time starts to slow and my mind starts to ask the questions that I will never know the answers too. I won't ever have one hundred percent closure... but some days I feel more at peace with everything than others.

My mind still races ahead of myself, thinking about when I'll try again. I'm trying to focus on getting myself in the shape I've always wanted first. But, my mind was already in the frame of adding to our family. I feel like I've been tossed ten steps behind. I don't want to rush myself and then make myself sick with worry or regret. Part of me knows it's too soon but the other part doesn't care. I wish I knew how to know when the right time is. I suppose I will feel it deep in my gut. A shift in the mood... I don't know but I know this uncertainty definitely means now is not the time. I'm sure I'll need to constantly remind myself of this over the next few weeks.

Last night I created a playlist of songs that comforted me and listened to it until I fell asleep. I woke a few hours later and turned off my phone feeling refreshed. For now, I'll turn to my music to get me through the nights and the endless thoughts.