Night

Night time is the hardest time for me right now. All day long I stay busy at work and sticking to my wellness plan with Jenny Craig. Henna usually heads to bed around 8 and Moctar is already off to his second job by that time. That's when time starts to slow and my mind starts to ask the questions that I will never know the answers too. I won't ever have one hundred percent closure... but some days I feel more at peace with everything than others.

My mind still races ahead of myself, thinking about when I'll try again. I'm trying to focus on getting myself in the shape I've always wanted first. But, my mind was already in the frame of adding to our family. I feel like I've been tossed ten steps behind. I don't want to rush myself and then make myself sick with worry or regret. Part of me knows it's too soon but the other part doesn't care. I wish I knew how to know when the right time is. I suppose I will feel it deep in my gut. A shift in the mood... I don't know but I know this uncertainty definitely means now is not the time. I'm sure I'll need to constantly remind myself of this over the next few weeks.

Last night I created a playlist of songs that comforted me and listened to it until I fell asleep. I woke a few hours later and turned off my phone feeling refreshed. For now, I'll turn to my music to get me through the nights and the endless thoughts.