Introducing Reyna

Reyna Elisa Yagi

Here I am again, ready to write and get down all my thoughts that I’ve been hoarding these last 3 months. The closer my due date got, the more worry started to gradually set in. I participated in an online forum for bereaved families but it’s been awhile since I’ve checked in. Everyone handles grief differently and it was too hard for me to read day in, day out all the pain out there. There were so many different stories and they only made me worry about all the infinite, scary things that could happen. I prefer to subscribe to positivity so I stayed away from that forum for awhile.

Was something wrong with me that I was not still in active grief from losing my son? In my heart I knew there was nothing wrong with my own experience. I mourned, I accepted and I actively choose each day to remember that there is a reason for everything, even if I can’t identify it.

Work was stressful and that in a sense was a blessing because it kept my busy constantly. Luckily, we found someone to bring into the office that I feel will be here for a good while. I got busy training her but my body was still over stressed. At each doctor visit I had slightly elevated blood pressure. I did a series of non stress tests and even a 24 hour urine catch and blood test which showed that I was free from pre-eclampsia.

My doctor still decided to move my c-section up an extra week to December 2^nd.  There were no operating rooms available so up it moved again to Monday the first. I was so excited to know that I’d be meeting my baby girl in four days. I wasn’t sure how we would pull off the hospital stay. Moctar is working two jobs, my mom is covering for me at work, my brother was starting an art show and all my other friends either work or have kids of their own. Samantha was staying with Henna so it was unrealistic for her to then be up all night with me.

I knew this time I wanted the baby to room in with me so that I could really establish breastfeeding. But I also knew that with a c-section the first night is nearly impossible to get up independently due to the catheter and the foot compression machine. Shiree arranged to stay with me that first night and then Samantha stayed the other nights with me and we let Henna sleep over with my parents.

Moctar was with me during the c-section which took painstakingly long … in my head, that is, not in reality. I was nearly holding my breath waiting to hear that first cry. Well, she didn’t disappoint. Her little gargling cries were so strong, much louder than Henna had been. She looked so much like Henna but so different at the same time. Moctar got to stay with Reyna as they cleaned her up and closed me up. Then he came back over and sat next to my head with our baby girl in his arms. This time around they brought her to me immediately and let me nurse and hold her on my chest. They didn’t take her to the nursery until much later.

Reyna Elisa Yagi was born Monday December 1^st at 9:48 am weighing 8 pounds 1 oz and measuring at 20 and a quarter inches.

We received many visits in the hospital and got in many a snuggle with our new baby girl. But my favorite memory was seeing Henna's reaction to her baby sister.

"Mommy, I can't see her"

Please Help my Go Fund Me Campaign

We found out at 3:00 PM on Friday Oct. 3rd that Moctar's younger brother, Issa was killed in an attack in Mali. Moctar needs to get home to assist his family but we have some challenges. 

First, Moctar's passport is expired, second he has just started a new job and doesn't have income until Oct. 15th. All my income is currently going to paying our bills and has been used preparing for our daughter's arrival in December. I have just barely enough to use my credit card and buy plane tickets as soon as we find out when he can get his passport but, not knowing if/when Moctar will be able to keep his current job if he goes to Niger, the financials are our hurdle. Also, I can't send him without cash to handle his family affairs when he arrives in Niger.

Even if it's $1 or $5 please know that anything would be helpful and I pray that I can return the favor anyway possible.

http://www.gofundme.com/hometoniger

A Message From Moctar:

My brother Issa who is a soldier from Niger on mission for the United Nations in Mali was killed in an ambush by suspected terrorists.

"The measure of a man: not how he died, but how he lived ... Not what did he gain, but what did he give... these are the units to measure the worth of a man."

Issa was such a close, great brother to me. Death brings a pain that only time can heal. No words could ease what we truly feel but with God his joy is eternally sealed. Cherish his memories that not even death can steal. We live on in our memories and we will live on forever. All my prayers are with you. Rest in Peace.

<<Mon frère Issa qui est un soldat du Niger en mission pour l' Organisation des Nations Unies au Mali a été tué dans une embuscade tendue par des terroristes présumés .

" La mesure d'un homme : pas comment il est mort , mais comment il a vécu ... Pas ce que ce qu'il a gagné , mais qu'est-ce qu'il donne ... ce sont les unités de mesure de la valeur d'un homme . "

Issa était un très bon frère a moi et si proche. La mort apporte une douleur que seul le temps peut guérir . Pas de mots pourraient faciliter ce que nous ressentons vraiment , mais avec Dieu sa joie est éternellement scellés . Chérir ses souvenirs que même la mort ne peut voler . Nous vivons dans nos mémoires éternellement . Toutes mes prières sont avec toi . Repose en paix. Amin. >>

The news story: http://latino.foxnews.com/latino/news/2014/10/03/niger-soldiers-killed-in-northern-mali-ambush/

http://www.gofundme.com/hometoniger

Catching Up - Week 27

It has been much too long since I have written. I’ve started many different posts in my head, all to lose my train of thought or to not really feel like finishing the thoughts that started. I try to keep my stresses off of Facebook because I don’t want to complain about pregnancy. I love being pregnant with all its idiosyncrasies but there are uncomfortable realities. As a mother who has lost a baby too soon, I know how hurtful it is to hear women having healthy pregnancies complain. It feels like a slap in the face no matter how much I know that it is not personal or meant to be insensitive.

This pregnancy has been a highly emotional experience for me. I don’t know if the extra emotion is due to having lost Alhassan or if my hormones are just raging more than they did with my other two pregnancies. I am certain that losing my regular routine has played a part into feeling so tired and weepy.

Every day I was so in control of my eating and my body. I would go to hip hop every other if not every day. At the beginning of my pregnancy I was nervous to do so much activity since we really had no definitive answers as to why my body couldn’t support my baby boy last year. I didn’t want to take any chances. But, after my cerclage I felt more comfortable and with my doctor’s blessing I went back to hip hop, albeit with much less impact than previously.

But now my fatigue gets the best of me. I don’t sleep well at night due to a case of pregnancy induced carpal tunnel. My (mostly) right arm will go numb if I’m not laying on my back, propped up … which is a horrible position for a tummy-sleeper. I even got used to sleeping on my side early on this pregnancy but that makes my arm go numb so easily. So, a cycle starts … go to sleep propped up like in a chair, migrate to my side, wake up with horrible pain and numbness, walk around until the feeling comes back (luckily this usually coincides with a potty break) and then get back into bed and repeat.

I went for weeks on the verge of tears… it felt like anything happy, sad, romantic, depression, or even inspirational could make me bust out crying. It was hard at work when I’d just tear up and have to be the first person to greet our patients as they came in. I decided that I would take an hour and leave early on Wednesdays to rest extra and just have down time.

Before I did that I was feeling so insecure and fragile but now taking that extra time for myself and for getting back to hip hop I’m starting to feel strong again. I never imagined (especially considering how overweight I was during Henna’s pregnancy) that I’d be that mom snapping belly shots and wearing formfitting tops. But, I have embraced my bump and I feel so comfortable.

My husband has been going through his own form of nesting and he’s starting to make our house nicer and nicer. He’s opening up storage space and helping me declutter. He even fixed our master bathroom which we haven’t been able to use in months because the shower and toilet when in use would spill water into our basement. We were quoted over $3000 to fix it but he managed to fix it for under $50! It’s the little things these days that I am pushing myself to focus on. His culture is so different when it comes to how emotion and appreciation are shown that sometimes, in my heightened sensitivity I start to feel as if I am not adequate. But, I realize that him being here, helping improve our “nest” is all part of how much he cares.

It’s still a daily effort to not rely on others in order to feel good about myself. I have to build myself up. I turn my concerns upwards and push my stress downward.

P.S. … Henna was right … we’re having a girl!

Flashback to Twenty

Here I am again... 20 weeks. It's bittersweet. October 26th 2013, I was 20 weeks pregnant and it's when I went into labor, much too early. I whispered hello and goodbye to my sweet baby boy and went home empty handed but somehow, my heart was still full. Full of hope and full of love.

For any couple that has lost a baby, there are many scenarios that can play out in the aftermath. I imagine that type of loss has quite the capacity to drive a wedge between two people. Especially two people who come from much different cultures. But, I am lucky. My husband is silent but patient and faithful. He grieved our son much differently but he was always there for me and we rallied together even when it was difficult.

After much debate about timing, healing, money, etc. we decided in early 2014 to try again and as before I was pregnant less than a month later. This pregnancy has been no different than my previous two... free of morning sickness, full of fatigue in the beginning but serene. I got my cerclage at week 14 for peace of mind and haven't had any problems following the procedure.

But as week twenty dawns on me so do small worries, intricate dreams, and many prayers. Part of me looks each morning to make sure there are no signs of something wrong. I take it easy to be extra careful but then the other part of me feels so good I wonder why I can't just relax. I know this is normal but I just want to breathe a sigh of relief. Next week we go to find out what we're having. Granted, I won't actually find out until the following week when we hold our gender reveal but I think that will help me get over these feelings. I was one week away from finding out Alhassan's gender when I went into labor. Getting to experience this milestone will be therapeutic. I've been listening to him/her every few days with a handheld doppler I bought from another mother to an angel baby.

The fast, smooth whirring of the baby's heartbeat calms me down and makes me smile. So here's what's going on otherwise in week 20:

Due date:  12/13/14 (I saw 12/7/14 on paperwork so c-section date, maybe?)

How far along: 19 weeks 6 days

How big is baby? Zucchini

Gender:  All will be revealed Aug. 9th

Maternity clothes:  Broke in 2 maternity work pants but my shirts still fit (for the most part)

Sleep: Peeing 2x a night and bothering Moctar with my pregnancy induced snoring

Food cravings:  rice and gyros

Symptoms:  Pregnancy brain (destroyed the office microwave by severely burning popcorn), very emotional! Crazy dreams

Movement:  This baby moves but is more chill... Davida is about 80% sure she felt a kick from the outside yesterday

What I miss:  HIP HOP... My doctor said I could go but I haven't had time

What I'm loving: Movement

My cervical cerclage went really well. I actually was really lucky. I was in the general OR and everyone started showing up for processing at 5:30 AM... there were so many people, many different procedures. Well, right at 7:25 as the ORs became available they were all put on hold. There was a problem with the AC and the rooms had gotten to over 100º and the humidity caused too many problems. So, once they had fixed the AC then they had to deep clean all the rooms. 

At about ten AM I got news that they could move me upstairs to labor and delivery to use their OR for my cerclage. The team from the other OR accompanied my doctor and I was given my spinal. Man that was some fast working medicine. My doctor was amazing. He held my hand, rubbed my shoulder and was so encouraging. After Peace Corps, shots seem like nothing anymore and I think the spinal was actually easier than my previous epidurals. The anesthesiologist was great... not too quick, talked me through each step and did everything painlessly -- despite the little sting of the numbing medication but no one can avoid that.

It was funny when I got back down to the regular recovery room. It was a ghost town and everyone cheered as they wheeled me down because they were so bored with no patients. I started laying down and was trying so hard to move my legs but to no avail. It was funny... I could almost feel my brain working overdrive sending messages but my legs not being able to do anything. I've never been that in tune with my brain I guess.

My numbness wore off a lot faster than they expected because, man, was I determined to get home! I was so hungry from not having eaten and the surgery being delayed. By the time I left (approx. 8 hours after arriving) they had only opened 5 of their 30 ORs. So, I feel blessed that I was the first one to get to go. A cerclage is not necessarily something you can wait on. But thankfully I wasn't at all dilated and I even got to hear baby's heartbeat again...

Week 13/14

My last post I was about ten weeks pregnant. I was so tired but I was also eating horribly. I had let all my hard work go to the wayside and I indulged. The next weekend I went to Weight Watchers with my mom. I went as a support system for her but it did me good to sit with all the people and hear about all the struggles I've dealt with and to hear their encouragement. That next week I got my eating back on track and have been maintaining my weight around 200.

So, now I want to keep everyone updated on how I'm doing each week during my pregnancy, although I can't wait to be back on the fast track to my goal weight in 2015. My due date is 12/13/14 which would be AWESOME if baby was born that day but, alas, I will most likely be having a c-section as I did with Henna so it will be scheduled at least a week before that date.

Due date:  12/13/14

How far along: 13 weeks 6 days

How big is baby? Lemon

Gender:  Don't know yet -- Henna started talking about her sister before I told her we were having a baby? So, very interested to see...

Maternity clothes:  None -- wearing my size 16 stretch jeans from torrid and sundresses!

Sleep: I've taken to sleeping on my side easily this pregnancy and get really great sleep but I wake up like clockwork to pee at 4:30 every day

Food cravings:  Chipotle and white rice with soy sauce

Symptoms:  sore boobs, weepiness, severe pregnancy brain (and possible still residual pregnancy brain from my other 2 pregnancies, haha)

Movement:  I've been feeling movement since last week -- feels like bubbles but can't feel anything externally

What I miss:  dirty martinis

What I'm loving: having my energy back

Monday I am going in to have a cerclage. I lost my son at 20 weeks due to incompetent cervix but in my medical history, there was no real reason for me to have experienced this. So, we decided as a preventative measure this would be the best course of action.

Monday I will go into the OR and have an epidural. Then they will put a stitch in my cervix and close it until about week 37. Then the stitch will be removed and nature will take it's course from there. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. There's going to be even more lifestyle changes in things I can and can't do after the cerclage is in place. My doctor is rather conservative and I'm okay with that... obviously, or he wouldn't be my doctor.

Monday and Tuesday I will be down for the count. Moctar has taken Monday off to take me to and from the hospital and Henna will be staying with my parents Sunday night through at least Wednesday morning. I'm hoping that my recovery will be relatively easy and no side effects. So, please say a prayer or keep me in your thoughts.

I look forward to coming back each week and going over how my pregnancy is progressing.

Struggling For Balance

I knew this pregnancy would be different, but I didn't know just HOW different. I assumed that I would be able to keep up hip hop up until the day that my cerclage would be placed. Under normal circumstances that would have been the case but I've spotted more during this pregnancy than my others. The minute I would be slightly active I would start to spot. For a parent who has lost a child due to incompetent cervix, spotting can be terrifying. I knew that it was normal but that small part of my brain just wouldn't switch off. So, I stopped going to hip hop.

I miss it more than anything. I feel more tired and lethargic. I'm also having a hard time readjusting my food intake. I was burning a lot of calories daily with hip hop but now I'm used to eating more but I'm not burning nearly as many calories. It's hard on my self-esteem. I'm giving in way too easily to my cravings and have no problem talking myself into eating what I want. I don't want to undo all my hard work yet. I want to gain what's necessary to keep my baby and my body healthy.

I've been reading the Beck Diet Solution which has given me some interesting insights and I need to read more. My fatigue is out of this world right now which is why I haven't gotten more into the book yet. I'm doing my best to at least log my food so I know where I'm at each day.

My mom helped me out and roasted me a bunch of peppers, onions, broccoli and zucchini. Having the food prepped and ready guarantees that it will get used where as right now, I'd sooner pass out on the couch then take the time to cut, prep, and roast my veggies. I'm still active on the Jenny Craig forums but not as active as before. I feel like a sham... having been so successful but struggling so much right now. I don't have much advice to offer so I mostly just read.