Flashback to Twenty

Here I am again... 20 weeks. It's bittersweet. October 26th 2013, I was 20 weeks pregnant and it's when I went into labor, much too early. I whispered hello and goodbye to my sweet baby boy and went home empty handed but somehow, my heart was still full. Full of hope and full of love.

For any couple that has lost a baby, there are many scenarios that can play out in the aftermath. I imagine that type of loss has quite the capacity to drive a wedge between two people. Especially two people who come from much different cultures. But, I am lucky. My husband is silent but patient and faithful. He grieved our son much differently but he was always there for me and we rallied together even when it was difficult.

After much debate about timing, healing, money, etc. we decided in early 2014 to try again and as before I was pregnant less than a month later. This pregnancy has been no different than my previous two... free of morning sickness, full of fatigue in the beginning but serene. I got my cerclage at week 14 for peace of mind and haven't had any problems following the procedure.

But as week twenty dawns on me so do small worries, intricate dreams, and many prayers. Part of me looks each morning to make sure there are no signs of something wrong. I take it easy to be extra careful but then the other part of me feels so good I wonder why I can't just relax. I know this is normal but I just want to breathe a sigh of relief. Next week we go to find out what we're having. Granted, I won't actually find out until the following week when we hold our gender reveal but I think that will help me get over these feelings. I was one week away from finding out Alhassan's gender when I went into labor. Getting to experience this milestone will be therapeutic. I've been listening to him/her every few days with a handheld doppler I bought from another mother to an angel baby.

The fast, smooth whirring of the baby's heartbeat calms me down and makes me smile. So here's what's going on otherwise in week 20:

Due date:  12/13/14 (I saw 12/7/14 on paperwork so c-section date, maybe?)

How far along: 19 weeks 6 days

How big is baby? Zucchini

Gender:  All will be revealed Aug. 9th

Maternity clothes:  Broke in 2 maternity work pants but my shirts still fit (for the most part)

Sleep: Peeing 2x a night and bothering Moctar with my pregnancy induced snoring

Food cravings:  rice and gyros

Symptoms:  Pregnancy brain (destroyed the office microwave by severely burning popcorn), very emotional! Crazy dreams

Movement:  This baby moves but is more chill... Davida is about 80% sure she felt a kick from the outside yesterday

What I miss:  HIP HOP... My doctor said I could go but I haven't had time

What I'm loving: Movement