F^@& You Steven Tyler

I would have been 36 weeks pregnant today. My original due date was March 12th and a c-section was planned for the week prior to that date. Deep down I know that part of the reason I've been able to throw myself so hard into my fitness and health again is in an attempt to focus my efforts on not thinking about what could have been.

Life these days is not a sad afterthought. I am living. I am full of joy and each day I find something to appreciate. But I still can't help thinking about my sweet angel. Just as I was pulling onto my parent's street the Aerosmith song "I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing" came on. I sat in my car in their driveway, moved to tears by the words and really remembering that night. At the time it felt like such a blur, in slow motion and fast forward all at once. It's not an easily described sensation but that's the closest I can get.

"I don't wanna close my eyes

I don't wanna fall asleep

'Cause I'd miss you, babe

And I don't wanna miss a thing

'Cause even when I dream of you

The sweetest dream will never do

I'd still miss you, babe

And I don't wanna miss a thing

I don't wanna miss one smile

I don't wanna miss one kiss

Well, I just wanna be with you

Right here with you, just like this

I just wanna hold you close

Feel your heart so close to mine

And just stay here in this moment

For all the rest of time

Don't wanna close my eyes

Don't wanna fall asleep

'Cause I'd miss you, babe

And I don't wanna miss a thing

'Cause even when I dream of you

The sweetest dream will never do

'Cause I'd still miss you, babe

And I don't wanna miss a thing"

As I was laying practically tilted upside down I couldn't sleep. I just wanted to take it all in. I wanted to cherish the last kicks and movements that I would ever feel from my son. It wasn't until my water fully broke the next morning that I couldn't feel him anymore. Instead of me looking down at him in my arms he would be the one looking down at me. It felt so strange leaving the hospital. I wanted to get home as soon as possible but leaving meant not being able to hold him anymore. The pictures are nice but they don't do it justice. Of course my original due date would coincide with the wonderful hormone swing that comes once a month. So, no, I don't really hate Steven Tyler but he sure gave me a good cry tonight.